Florida Man: The man, the myth, the legend
March 30, 2015
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He’s drunk, high, rich, poor, black, and white. He has no respect for the law or himself. His favorite drink is orange juice with meth. He’s robbed stores and kidnapped and murdered. He’s a citizen, a football player, a lawyer, governor, and a constant pervert. He’s your neighbor, your brother, father, uncle and sometimes you. He is Florida Man and there’s a little bit of him in all of us.
Florida Man is not one person, but the conglomerate of all Florida residents. No one is safe from him because he is everywhere and everyone, at least in Florida. He has Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook accounts. He even has a new beer made by Cigar City Brewing Company. Combined, he has killed every animal in the state, and eaten most of them, including humans. The only creature to elude Florida Man is the Skunk Ape, and it can’t run forever.
The rest of the nation knows that Florida is crazy. Scientists have blamed the fact that we don’t have winter. We get to spend more time outside and get in more trouble. But that doesn’t account for the sheer insanity and volume of the incidents. It could be because of Florida Man’s easy access to guns and unwillingness to learn gun safety. Or maybe his fondness of meth and alcohol drives him to rob. I say it is because Florida Man is in us all, and only in Florida can he exercise his full potential.
Web results for other states bring similar men of this caliber. Georgia Man lives in a similar way, as does Arizona Man, but they do not match Florida Man’s track record. Florida gives too many opportunities for insanity to take over. We have swamps, farms, forests, big cities, small towns, and at most three hills. Florida Man is confined by the sea on three sides and has nowhere to go but crazy.
But our state’s special brand of insanity has not missed the fairer sex. Florida Woman is also on the prowl, stabbing, shooting, and crashing her car with the same ferocity as her male counterpart. If anything, Florida Woman is more of a threat due to her close proximity to babies. Leaving a child in the care of Florida Woman is inadvisable to anyone but Florida Man.
Taking a look back at some of Florida Man’s more famous exploits, we see that he is a talented and determined individual. Florida Man buried his cat, and fought to keep ownership of it when it clawed its way out of the ground five days later. Florida Man shot a teenager, was set free, and continues to assault people. Florida Man ate a guy’s face while on bath salts. Florida Man hunts alligators for food and pythons for fun. Florida Woman had an affair with a fourteen year old student and mostly got away with it. Florida Woman killed her baby and walked on lesser charges.
As we reflect on our state’s pride and glory, it makes it hard to wonder why anyone would live in Florida in the first place. Maybe we just never left. Or maybe we can’t resist the allure of 90 degree, 90% humidity and the constant risk of hurricanes. But really, Florida isn’t a state of the nation, it’s a state of mind, and no amount of distance will free us from our madness.